As the bus pulled away, we all collectively panicked. We had been running slim on extra time, but neither of us realized that we were cutting things quite as close as we were. Add to it a disciplined and “early-is-on-time” kind of bus driver, and we were officially going to be in the car line at school today.
It’s interesting to see what gets blamed in moments like these. In life, as in sport, it can be easy and natural to want to blame anything and anyone other than ourselves. This is where those destined for mediocrity are separated from those eligible to chase greatness.
When my boys started complaining that the bus didn’t wait long enough and that the driver is always early, I reminded them that we also made decisions.
Then the opportunity came: “I don’t understand why we wouldn’t just blame ourselves in this moment, there were things we could have controlled that we didn’t, but if we do, we won’t have to worry about this again” I said.
Accountability is oftentimes easier than blaming the world. It gives us something to focus on that we have agency over. Only thinking about the things outside of our control makes us feel powerless. That doesn’t help to solve the problem, it only makes it feel bigger.
Just like striking out, there are only so many things that you will be able to control. Blaming the umpire doesn’t get you a better batting average. But if you control the controllables, sometimes you’ll find magic in the moment, and at the very least, you won’t have any regret or reason to feel ashamed.
This can certainly be taken too far. Taking responsibility for things outside of your control can be harmful. But as long as we are being realistic about what is in our ability to change, it’s better than feeling like a victim.
When shame drives the reaction, blame goes outward as a defense.
Lashing out and blaming others in difficult moments is rooted in shame and fear. Those are two emotions that none of us enjoy. The knee jerk reaction to send anger outwards is a defense mechanism against feeling them.
As a parent, my job was to keep the shame and fear out of the equation and help my boys to see how we could do things better. We could skip a few of the frivolous extras that were requested this morning, we could wake up a little quicker (first full week of school that’s easier said than done), and someone could have run out to at least grab the driver’s attention instead of my oldest doubling back for his phone before the door had ever opened.
I’m grateful that I work for myself and was able to calmly deal with cleaning up the issue of the morning by driving them in. Thankfully, I didn’t even need to move any meetings. We listened to music and I got a few extra last minutes with them to make sure the morning turned around before we all started our days.
I look forward to us putting our corrective actions into place tomorrow so we can see more successful bus rides from here. Accountability doesn’t have to hurt. Sometimes, it’s simple habit change that can be implemented without much fuss. And it’s best served with compassion.
